FEAR

 

Of what i don't know and will never know.

Of what i can't predict nor control.

Of decay, illness and dependency.

Of pain and suffering.

Of heart break and loneliness.

Of missing and of not being missed. 

Of making mistakes and losing opportunities.

Of not having enough for my family.

Of violence, anger, ignorance.

Of infectuous viruses and economic collapse.

As scared of falling off a big wave as i am of missing a good surfing day.

 

I'm scared, not always, just sometimes. Sometimes i don't give a fuck, feel strong like there is not a fucking thing that can fucking touch me. And sometimes, I'm totally terrified, all the time. Like a giant hand that holds me without letting go, fear can grab me for hours or days. Shrinking my breath, squeezing my heart and clouding my thoughts. Makes me feel isolated, separated, segregated, intimidated. Makes me feel nothing else, no nuances, no harmonics, just a heavy monotone tune, a single line of relentless fear. Like a fly on a spiderweb. Glued. Imprisoned. Agonizing. Stuck.

 

I try not to move.

I try not to speak.

I seek solitude.

I accept my sentence, even if momentarily.

I connect with my breath.

Feel its bare motion, even if tiny.

I connect with the feelings that fear provokes in my body, even if overwhelmingly unpleasant.

I remind myself: at least I'm feeling something. Not nothing.

I think of all others that might feel like me.

I feel their fear as mine.

Their pain as mine.

Their hopelessness as mine.

 

I cry. I melt. I despair. I lose. I crack.

And through that crack i feel light.

And in the losing i lose myself.

And in the despair i let go of lies.

And in the melting the spider web dissolves.

And in the tears there is now love.

 

And fear is not gone.

But now it is not alone.

And neither am I.

And neither are you